In the little book I have where we recorded the things Mother said to us in her final days, I count 17 different things she said to us on the day she died. She started talking around 5:30 a.m. and stopped around 1:30 pm. The previous afternoon, she had also been very talkative and told Char and I about "a nice picture." We asked who was in the picture and she indicated it was her mom, two of her uncles, her aunt and herself. We had been through old family pictures many times in the months prior and had seen plenty of pictures of each of these individuals, but none of all of them together. When she made the comment about this beautiful picture, we wondered if perhaps she was seeing herself with these people who had all gone before her. At one point, she also said, "my sister." We wondered if possibly she was seeing her sister (the tubal pregnancy that her mom had when Mother was 4 years old). Our other thought was that she was referring to her good friend, Selma who was still alive. Neither Selma or Mother had any sisters. Many years earlier, the two decided that they would be sisters to each other. They raised their families just across the country road from each other. Mother also told us, "provide for Selma", so I think that is the sister she was referring to.
On the morning of her last day, she said some things that truly made me wonder if she was seeing beyond this world. At 6:35 she said, "That woman in white. To be peaceful." My thought at the time was that perhaps she had seen an angel. I still think that today. At 11:49 she told me, "I could just meet the love." That statement brought me to tears. (Of course by this point in the journey, just about anything brought me to tears.)
The reason Mother's comment about meeting the love brought me to tears was because it reminded me of something that I had heard Pastor Tim say more than once. "God is love. We come from love. We are born to love. And when we die, we return to the love." (I may not have the wording exactly right, but I think I'm close.) Mother said, "I could just meet the love." It struck me that she knew she was getting close to going to Heaven and meeting that Love...God!
There were other things that Mother said that morning that I still wonder about. At one point she said, "That girl's parents got divorced." When I asked what girl, she told me a first and last name very clearly. I had never heard the name before and neither had anyone in the family. I did end up finding the woman months later and while she attends the same church that Mother did, I really don't think they ever had any contact with each other. But Mother was right: the girl's parents are divorced.
At about 12:15, I told Mother that I loved her. Every other time I had said that, she had told me she loved me too. This time she said, "I'd rather that you be comfortable." I had no idea why she said that, but told her that I was comfortable. I've read alot about dying in the last year. I have found that the dying often need their loved ones to give them permission to die.In looking back, I am convinced that she was telling me that she needed us to be ok with her going. She needed to know that we would be ok.
At 12:40 that afternoon, while I was out of the room, Mother told Jo, "I think I can do it now. I'm satisfied." Looking back now, it seems so obvious to me that she knew she didn't have much time left.
At 1:35, she said the last thing that any of us recorded in the book. "I was listening and thinking about my mom laying there." She must have been remembering all those years ago when her own mom died.
Four hours later, Mother was gone.
June 19 will mark one year that she has been gone. It's hard to believe that much time has passed. Some days something happens and I think that I'll have to tell Mother about it. Then it hits me that she is gone. I still miss her as much ever. I know that I always will. But I am so very thankful that I had parents who are worth missing for the rest of my life.
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