Five Years

Five years ago today, June 19, 2011 was also a Sunday, and also Father’s Day. It was also a steamy hot day, just like today. That morning, I awoke in a hospital in La Crosse, WI. I’d been there since Tuesday, spending time with my mom, who was in hospice there. I’d slept in the family waiting room Saturday night so a couple of my other sisters could sleep in my mom’s room with her. I remember waking in the middle of the night and as I had trouble falling back asleep, I sensed God tell me, “Rest my child.” I was able to fall asleep then. The next time I awoke, was when my sister, Linda came into the waiting room to tell me she was going to be heading home for the day to milk cows and do other necessary farm chores. I went back to my mom’s room and overheard precious words that Linda spoke to my mom.

Mother was quite alert that morning. She spoke a lot and looking back, much of what she said to my sister Joanne and me signaled that she was hovering between this life and Heaven. Family visited again that day. In mid-afternoon, family stepped out of Mother’s room while the nurses bathed her. When we came back into the room an hour later, Joanne and I both noticed a huge change. She had a different look, her breathing had changed and she was no longer responsive. We notified other family members. We held her hands. We told her how much we loved her. We told her she’d always be a part of us. We told her that Daddy was waiting for her in Heaven. The left side of her mouth curled up in a smile, twice, one right after another. She took one final breath, and her spirit left her earthly body.

I remember thinking that those smiles must have meant she’d seen my dad and Jesus waiting for her. And I recall feeling like one moment I was holding her hand, and the next moment God was. It was such a bittersweet moment. I was ecstatic for Mother to be in Heaven with Daddy and Jesus. Yet I was devastated at the thought of life here without her. But mostly I remember thinking how blessed I’d been to spend her final days with her and that I would never doubt the existence of God again.

So here I am five years later…1827 days later.

So much has changed. Instead of a 14 year-old and two 9-year olds, we now have a 19 year-old who has just finished her first year in college and two 14-year olds who are about to start high school. And we have a three-year old dog, Levi. I can only imagine what Mother would think of me agreeing to get a dog!

I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago, not just because of losing Mother, but because life continues and you go on. And every experience changes you and shapes you. A lot has happened in five years. We like to classify things and “good” or “bad”, but really everything just helps us to evolve into who we are meant to be. Perhaps into who we really were all along. I wonder what Mother would say about me “putting myself out there” in ways I never had while she was alive. I wonder what she’d think of the person I am today.

I think back to that day five years ago and the thought I had then about never again doubting God’s existence. My faith had been bolstered greatly by all I experienced being with my mom in hospice. How could I ever question again? Just as I’m no longer the person I was five years ago, my faith isn’t the exactly the same either. It evolves with every experience. I think, I wonder, I question things. Some days my faith feels strong, some days…not so much. But it never leaves me. I have no doubt that God exists. 

On a couple of occasions, I’ve had people tell me that my faith inspires them. When that has happened, I’ve thought, “Really? My faith inspires you? How can that be?” Maybe it’s because the people who have said this to me have actually inspired me with their faith. These people admit that their faith is stronger some days than others. They admit they question things. They live, they love, they question, they experience, they grow. And along the way, their faith evolves.  

Perhaps what I saw with my mom in her final days was actually witnessing her faith come full circle. In the midst of my heartache those days, there was an indescribable beauty. I saw her emotional pain, the depth of her love, and the wonder of the child within her. I witnessed her faith evolving into what she was meant to be, what she was all along…a precious child of God.

God held his hand out to her that day, and she grasped it. In that ultimate step of faith, she was reunited with her earthly Dad, her husband who was Daddy to her children, and her Heavenly Father.

Happy Father’s Day indeed!