Today, I was honored to have my poem, The Grief Stone, included in the Remembrance Service at our church. I admit I was nervous to hear it read aloud. It's one thing to post it on my blog and not see anyone as they read it. It is another to sit in church and hear it read aloud (along with your name attached to it). I always turn into a puddle watching the video of loved ones who have gone before us anyway. Now I imagined everyone would hear my name, look for me in my normal spot, and see me blubbering. Lauren was the only one who was up for going to church and watching the tear jerking video with me today. I understand why it was too painful for the rest of the family. Lauren and I huddled together in the pew and let the tears flow as we listened to the words and watched the pictures of member's loved ones appear on the screen. Most of the people I never knew. I recognized the names of several others. And then my parents picture came up along with the words I chose to accompany it, "Little things done with great love are now cherished memories." More tears flowed from both Lauren and myself. Luckily, I had packed plently of tissues. I was thankful that my name was mentioned so early on in the video, so I could get beyond that. It was strange to hear Pastor Tim read the words I'd written. Other than the fact that he obviously has a man's voice, he read the words precisely how I felt them as I had written them. I don't know if he paused in the right spots or emphasized the right words or how exactly he did it, but he nailed it. (I guess that's why he's the pastor and gets to wear the white robe!)
Pastor Tim is the person who first encouraged me to "write my soul" as he called it. I am grateful that he did. As I told him after the service, it's therapy for me and obviously I must need therapy with all the writing I do! What continues to surprise me is that other people often tell me that they can relate to my writings. I swear that it shocks me every time someone compliments something I write. I was overwhelmed with all the wonderful compliments I heard after today's service. Thank you to everyone for the kind words.
A year or so ago, our church had each person interested write their name on a slip of paper along with a prayer request for themselves. These slips of paper were then put in a basket and we everyone picked out a slip of paper and prayed for that person for a number of months. My prayer request was for direction. What I meant by that was for God to reveal to me what my gift to others was or where I could make a difference. In a funny twist of fate, one of Dani's best friends picked my name and prayer request out of the basket! I am starting to wonder if possibly my writings are the direction in which God is pointing me. I hope that doesn't sound conceited in any way, because like I said, I am honestly surprised when others say they get something out of my writings.
After today's service, I asked Pastor Tim for his permission to share his words from the video, because I thought they fit so well with my poem. He gave his blessing and agreed to "co-author" the new improved version of The Grief Stone. Below you will find my original words in italics. Pastor Tim's words are in normal print.
The Grief Stone
(revised version)
Co-Authored by Kim Seeger and Pastor Tim Tengblad
A jagged sharp stone
Of grief
Lodged itself in my heart
On the day you died
Every thought I had
Every breath I took
Scraped and cut
Pierced and hurt
Countless tears fell
Unstoppable
In response to the pain
Of losing you
Each tear
Was like an ocean wave
Mighty and powerful
Upon my heart
I wondered if it was possible
To drown in my own tears
To be pulled under the waves
And never resurface
The waves
Were commanding and relentless
Washing across my heart
And the grief stone embedded there
Mary Oliver writes in her poem "In Blackwater's Woods": "To live in this world, you must be able to do 3 things: to love what is mortal, to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it, and when the time comes, to let it go, to let it go."
And so it is, that dear, precious one we love dies, and we feel our grief as like a jagged sharp stone lodged in our heart. Every time a thought turns to them, we feel it's sharp pain. We feel it every time a memory comes to mind, or a longing for return comes, and touches the sore spot on our heart. Tears first appear to be our undoing, only signs of pain and loss.
Grief is a process, a journey, as was our relationship with the one we loved. A process, a journey filled with light and darkness, joy and struggle. Sometimes we grieve what WAS: the goodness, the love and happiness known only to us and our loved one.
Sometimes we grieve what WASN'T: sometimes there is baggage to let go of on our journey of grief, so we can walk lighter on our new path, alone or with another.
Sometimes we may grieve over our NOT GRIEVING: not like we used to. Fearing we may be losing our sense of connection, not realizing that we still love them. Not realizing we are simply moving on, down the path of our new life, as the one we loved would want us to.
Whatever the source of our tears, over time, they do their healing work.
Ever so slowly
The sharp edges
Began to lose
Their jaggedness
Each pounding wave
Was transforming
The grief stone
Not drowning the heart
Jagged edges smoothing
Memories no longer
Piercing the heart
So deeply
The waves still persist
Not as frequent
Nor as intense
But they still come
The grief stone
Will never be dislodged
It has permanent residency
Within my heart
But each wave
Continues to transform it
Buffing and polishing the stone
Into something gentle and peaceful
Yes, the grief stone remains ironically as an act of grace. It is your continuing connection with the one you loved.
By God's eternal grace in Christ Jesus, may yours be polished more and more into a grateful pain...one that so dearly reminds you of what you once had, and still have in your heart, as you continue your own journey into gratitude.
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